I was feeling restless tonight so I walked to one of my favorite stores, Barnes & Noble. I came away with two small books which prompted this posting. The books are "As a Man Thinketh" by Allen, and "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White.

These are two very small books, but claim to hold some very important material. I wonder if it really is a matter of what I think that makes all the difference in something like I'm going through now. I hope so. I plan on giving it a shot. It would be nice to just wake up and think away some of the issues I'm having. Although Allen claims it isn't just another mind over matter or positive thinking work.

The Elements of Style just led me to want to write more, and to be good at it. To write well. The first introduction even mentioned how hard it is for even the most proficient writers to write well. So I did my best here. And I'll keep trying. I may even take a writing class in all my free time.

Since there are a few people still checking in, I'll take the time to fill in some of the details of my deployment.

It's hard though, since now I am mentally incapable in some ways to keep up with the blog. Lack of concentration and disordered thinking make writing hard work. I am very restless thanks to the medicine I am on. I can't sit still. I can't run or walk because I hurt my feet running so much.

So I basically sit around my apartment, unable to read, write, walk, run, watch movies, or do just about any task to keep my mind occupied. Additionally I'm very jittery and restless and have to move around alot. That hurts my feet. Most weeks I sleep about 4 hours a night, maybe 5. Just recently thanks to medicine I've been getting 7 or 8 hours.

I'll try to keep writing. The PTSD is a tough nut. I guess I 'earned it'. In Iraq I was attacked by mortars, rockets, or small arms fire more than 35 times, or so. Including one major IED attack. I witnessed the deaths of more than 1/2 dozen people, and saw or heard or know of over 50 US Marines that died in my one year tour in Iraq. Not counting the Iraqi soldiers who we lost many to injury and death.

Who will shoulder the burden for those that have served and now can no longer do that? The world is often a harsh and cruel place. I see plenty of veterans at the VA and Walter Reed missing limbs or eyesight. After all the pomp and circumstance, and all the parades and awards, who will remember these broken soldiers when the time comes and they need help?? We will be judged harshly for forgetting those who have fought and died for our country.

I walk into the bedroom and into the living room. I can barely think about what I want to do. I can see what needs done but nothing seems to register or get me kick started. Sometimes the thoughts come and go, like fleeting shadows under the trees. Other times they are a little more substantial, like children playing hide and go seek among the oak trees and the meadow. I can see the thoughts appear from behind the tree or race across the meadow in my mind, yet I can never quite seem to catch up. Just a fleeting glimpse. This scares me more than you can ever know, I think.

Yep, things are out of control... apparently I'm a crazy Army veteran now. I really haven't wrote much about it but what can I say. It's been a slow spiral down over the last year. Now I'm jobless, girlfriend less, and at one time, car less (having wrecked for the third time in recent memory)> if I even have a memory--as now I am diagnosed with severe PTSD, which causes lots of memory loss, problems with concentration, depression, and disorganized thinking.

Since I got lost twice going to work, that was bad enough for them to let me take a break for awhile. I spend most of my days now studying French and going to the VA for therapy and group. Like those guys from Vietnam, I'm them 30 years younger.

It's difficult to see life spin out of control, and to behave myself in terrible behavior, picking fights, and generally being an ass. I consider it a good day if I drive across town and don't fall right to sleep from exhaustion.

I am going to post some more> Sorry I have been away so Long. Life has been a little out of control!

Thanks to you all who stop by from time to time, I'll keep updating every once and awhile just to post and get the comments on. I am working on one to get out tonight.

Well I haven't written in awhile-I've been busy with work and getting re-settled. It's taken me quite awhile to feel 'normal' again, and I still spend a lot of time thinking about Iraq and the war, Maybe becuase I do things like reading "Fiasco" all in one day. Some of my friends have already headed back over to Iraq or back into other assignments into the US Army. We'll see how things shape up for me. I miss the good parts; not so much the stupid shit.