Hundreds of Marines, Soldiers, and Sailors are standing in formation at rigid attention to pay remembrance, once again, to their friends who have made the ultimate sacrifice.

This somber memorial has been played over and over, time and again to honor those who died fighting for our country. The month of October has not been kind to us.

Marines and Soldiers are still streaming in to the area set aside where the memorial stands, a stark row of helmets and rifles and boots neatly assembled. The morning shade and the cool desert air leaves us chilled.

The tone is set very eloquently by desert camoflauged Marines who share their thoughts at the passing of their friends.

".....We stand together today to honor men whose sacrifice will be little appreciated by their countrymen."

"As Thomas Paine said in 1776, 'These are the times that try mens souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of men and women.'"

".....He was my friend, who never showed fear or regret, and never allowed us to....."

"......He was a good Marine, and an even better friend....."

A random explosion booms in the distance. In my head, I begin to analyze this fact. I visualize the map of the area in my mind, where we are compared to the explosions. I am standing with the sun to my east, so the explosion was to my west. My friends are safe because I live to the east. Then I remember my friends that live to the west, and I begin to worry. Two more explosions go off in the same direction. Helicopters fly over head towards the sound of the explosions.

We are at the position of attention now. "Taps" begins to sound from the bugler. Roll call is sounded by the First Sergeant, he calls the the names of the missing three times because no response will be given. A lot of names are read three times.

Now I am standing in a line, waiting to pay my respects to those who have gone. A Marine sergeant barks at a younger Marine, and calls him aside, to tell him to quit playing around while waiting.

I walk up to the memorial. I am saluting each individual memorial as I stand in front of it. There is no face there to look back at me behind that chin strap and under that helmet. Only emptiness. I bow my head to think, to attempt to pray, to make sense of the mass confusion in my head. There are so many thoughts that I really can't sort out easily. They come and go. Sorrow that I am here, again, at yet another memorial to honor fallen Marines. A sense of loss. Sadness that young men will never grow old into a life cut short, in such a violent manner. Wonder and amazement that I am actually standing here because I realize now how easily it could have been me, that I was in the right place at the right time instead of the other way around. Relief that I was at the right place and the right time. I pause and mull over this feeling of relief. I feel ashamed that I feel relief for walking and talking and being alive. Intense guilt feelings come next, because now I feel selfish for even thinking such a thought. By the time I have reached the last Marine, I am angry. A quick flash of hot anger that fades into a deep, sullen anger inside of me.

There are no feelings of peace when I turn and I walk away, I thought there would be, I was wrong, now there is only this throbbing anger inside of me, and this empty question of why it has to be this way.